Chrissy Teigen pens a heartbreaking essay about losing son Jack

Chrissy Teigen lost her son Jack only weeks ago and has quietly been dealing with the pain ever since with the help of her husband John Legend.

On Tuesday the 34-year-old supermodel opened up about her heartbreaking ordeal in a brave essay posted to Medium.

‘I had no idea when I would be ready to write this. Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened,’ began the cover girl as she detailed her loss and how the kindness of strangers has helped her recover.

Sharing: Chrissy Teigen lost her son Jack only weeks ago and has quietly been dealing with the pain ever since with the help of her husband John Legend. On Tuesday the 34-year-old supermodel opened up about her heartbreaking ordeal in a brave essay posted to Medium 

She added, ‘I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address “what happened.”‘

What happened is she he gave birth to her third child, a son named Jack, stillborn after severe complications four month into the pregnancy.

Teigen explained she was on her downstairs couch in a blanket after a morning of friends and fried chicken.

‘I’m reading off countless notes from my phone — thoughts that have randomly popped up in the weeks since. I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you,’ she said. 

She needed to share: 'I had no idea when I would be ready to write this. Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened,' began the cover girl as she detailed her loss and how the kindness of strangers has helped her recover

She needed to share: ‘I had no idea when I would be ready to write this. Part of me thought it would be early on, when I was still really feeling the pain of what happened,’ began the cover girl as she detailed her loss and how the kindness of strangers has helped her recover 

The catwalker said flowers and notes from fans have meant a lot to her.  ‘After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness,’ she shared.

Many shared ‘incredible personal experiences,’  books and poems. 

‘I wanted to thank everyone, share our story with each individual person. But I knew I was in no state to. For me, the “no need to respond” note was such a true relief. I thank you for each and every one of those.’

Her struggle: She added, 'I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address “what happened."' What happened is she he gave birth to her third child, a son named Jack, stillborn after severe complications four month into the pregnancy

Her struggle: She added, ‘I thought I would sit in the corner of my bedroom with the lights dimmed, just rolling off my thoughts. I’d have a glass of red wine, cozy up with a blanket, and finally get the chance to address “what happened.”‘ What happened is she he gave birth to her third child, a son named Jack, stillborn after severe complications four month into the pregnancy

Loss is a challenge: The catwalker said flowers and notes from fans have meant a lot to her. 'After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness,' she shared

Loss is a challenge: The catwalker said flowers and notes from fans have meant a lot to her. ‘After we first lost Jack, I found myself incredibly worried that I wasn’t able to thank everyone for their extreme kindness,’ she shared

One of the standout moments was when she went through the halls of labor and delivery, and John saying “What, is there a f***ing party going on here??”’

‘I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later. People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you,’ she said.

‘At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms). 

‘I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a “safer” zone for the fetus.’

Happy family: Chrissy and John tied the knot in Italy back in September of 2013, and they share daughter Luna Simone, four, and son Miles Theodore, two

Happy family: Chrissy and John tied the knot in Italy back in September of 2013, and they share daughter Luna Simone, four, and son Miles Theodore, two

Difficult pregnancy: She went on to say her doctors diagnosed her with partial placenta abruption. 'I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta,' she said

Difficult pregnancy: She went on to say her doctors diagnosed her with partial placenta abruption. ‘I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta,’ she said

She went on to say her doctors diagnosed her with partial placenta abruption. ‘I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta,’ she said.

‘But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in.

The star said she became an adult diaper expert.

‘I was truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual shitting baby,’ she said. 

Hard time: 'But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in,' she added

Hard time: ‘But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in,’ she added

‘I could have spent these days at the hospital, but not much of a difference would have been made,’ she added. ‘I was still seen by doctors at home, silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay,’ she added.

Finally, she had a ‘pretty bad night’ in bed, ‘after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount.’

The bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. ‘The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.’

After a couple nights at the hospital, her doctor told her the bad news.

Before her loss: The bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. 'The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.' After a couple nights at the hospital, her doctor told her the bad news

Before her loss: The bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. ‘The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.’ After a couple nights at the hospital, her doctor told her the bad news

‘It was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either.’

They tried blood transfusions, they did not work.

‘Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness,’ said Chrissy.

Writing this made her feel the pain all over again. ‘

Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness,’ she shared.

She asked her mother and husband to take pictures.

‘I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time,’ she said.

‘But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.’

Before her third pregnancy: Teigen at the Bring The Funny TV show premiere, Los Angeles in June 2019

Before her third pregnancy: Teigen at the Bring The Funny TV show premiere, Los Angeles in June 2019

She added she does not care if people were against her taking photos: ‘I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like.’ 

After hours, she ‘decided I wanted to wait until I really, really knew it was over. I stupidly compared it to dogs I had “put down” in the past — how I never wanted to let go until we absolutely knew it was time, that they were suffering far too much. I texted this to my doctor and she said “absolutely.”‘

She then got graphic: ‘Later that night, I went to the bathroom, looked down into the toilet (I had been doing this for months) and broke down again. The sheer amount of blood and clots showed me exactly what I had been waiting for. It was time.’

She said she will never forget the experience. 

‘I laid there for hours, waiting to be told it was time to push. I obviously never had to dilate much, he was still a tiny little guy.

‘ I had been laying on my side, switching sides every hour or so, whenever the nurse told me to. I remember laying on my right side, looking opposite of John, when I was told to make my switch.

So much love: In his post, Legend, 41, shared video of his emotional Billboard Music Awards performance

So much love: In his post, Legend, 41, shared video of his emotional Billboard Music Awards performance

For you: He said, 'This is for Chrissy. I love and cherish you and our family so much'

For you: He said, ‘This is for Chrissy. I love and cherish you and our family so much’

‘I opened my legs and started to turn to face John and just like that, he was on his way out. The doctors yelled for a bit and…I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out. My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer. I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.’

She said his ashes are in a small box, ‘waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind.’

‘People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full,’ added the cookbook author. 

‘I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love. I smother them with love while they “Moooooooom!!!!!” me. I don’t care.’

‘I also cry when I get mad at myself for being too happy.’

Big news: The couple previously announced their pregnancy in John's Wild music video, which dropped in August

Big news: The couple previously announced their pregnancy in John’s Wild music video, which dropped in August

She also admitted that she holds her belly still and has ‘a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump’ which makes her sad. 

‘I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public. I was excited to share our news with the world,’ she added. ‘Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.’

And she is grateful for the acts of kindness. ‘I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart. Sometimes people will approach me with a note,’ said Teigen. ‘These strangers always tell me that life will move on, just differently. They tell me to not let anyone tell me this was “God’s plan”, or that we will “have another soon”. Thanks to you, I will block this out forever.’ 

‘I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so,’ she said, adding: ‘We are so incredibly lucky.’

Chrissy posted the same essay to her Instagram page and wrote in the caption, ‘I didn’t know how to come back to real life so I wrote this piece for Medium with hopes that I can somehow move on but as soon as I posted it, tears flew out because it felt so….final. 

With mom: Her mother, far right, was by her side the entire time helping her through the pain

With mom: Her mother, far right, was by her side the entire time helping her through the pain 

‘I don’t want to ever not remember jack. . . Thank you to everyone who has been so kind. Thank you to the incredible doctors who tried so hard to make our third life a reality. Thank you to my friends and family and our entire household for taking care of me through all the adult diaper changes, bed rest and random hugs.

‘Thank you John for being my best friend and love of my life. A lot of people think of the woman in times like this but I will never forget that john also suffered through these past months, while doing everything he could to take care of me. I am surrounded, in a human therapy blanket of love. I am grateful and healing and feel so incredibly lucky to witness such love.’

John responded to the post by leaving a simple heart emoji underneath. 

Chrissy posted the same essay to her Instagram page explaining why she was sharing her experience

Chrissy posted the same essay to her Instagram page explaining why she was sharing her experience

She first spoke to fans on Instagram in early October.

‘We are quiet but we are okay,’ she said while posting a screenshot of a tweet from Legend and adding ‘Love you all so much.’ It was her first Instagram update since revealing her loss.

Chrissy and John tied the knot in Italy in September of 2013, and conceived Miles and daughter Luna, four, through IVF treatment, while their third pregnancy occurred naturally and was a surprise. She  announced the loss of her third baby in late September, just weeks after the pair had revealed in John’s Wild music video that they were expecting again.   

For support & information for those affected by miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy call 01924 200799 or visit miscarriageassociation.org.uk 

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